Much like The Rock used to say, FINALLY! The Weekest of the Weak series has come back. To. College. Football!
*eye brow thingy, a la The Rock*
Once upon a time, and at a different home that shall not be named, I created a weekly series for the football fan who has no shame in letting his or her inner Anne Robinson dictate his or her college football experience, for the fan who loves a cute itty bitty Corgi puppy as much as a Rottweiler. Because cute trumps the bite when the bite doesn’t (drink its) barq’s. (Yikes.)
On that pun, let me explain. This season, my esteemed editor and myself will identify the very weekest matchup of the given weak of college football games. Bad teams deserve confetti too!
A game, we’ll remind our reader here, will be deemed particularly week according to the following:
-if it matches two “particularly awful, not good at football” football teams;
-if it is likely to result in a blow-out.
-if it is likely to result in a close and awful game of arm punting.
Runner-up Game: Tulane Green Wave at Wake Forest Demon Deacons
The Tulane Green Wave have managed one “hell of a hire,” in the words of the God Bill Connelly, by bringing Willie Fritz to New Orleans.
The winning will come for Tulane, because winning has followed Fritz everywhere he’s coached, but it will not come this season. You see, the Green Wave were mediocre a year ago—though that sells things short somehow. Kanye taught me that waves never die, but this one’s been as good as done for about a decade now: including a 7-6 record in 2013, Tulane have averaged 3.3 wins per year. That’s the opposite of the nearby restaurant’s gumbo you love so much. No Bueno.
Meanwhile, the Wake Forest Demon Deacons have entered year X of the perpetual rebuild, each year taking baby steps toward mediocrity, if not relevancy. Wake Forest is like the little engine that could, you know, one day, maybe eventually… Wake Forest can’t walk on its own but if you hold its hand, hey man it’ll go far. Wake Forest isn’t wearing diapers anymore but, like, it still wets the bed here and there. Wake Forest can eat solid food now, but it still needs its pacifier. Wake Forest is still so mean to their baby sister.
While WF gains comedy points for giving us the wonderful Frank Beamer photo, they’re correctly docked points for the affront on the eyes that was this spectacle.
The Weakest Of The Week: SMU Mustangs at North Texas Mean Green
What a difference a year makes, only in this case it’s the exact opposite. A year ago early in the CFB season, the SMU Mustangs played the North Texas Mean Green and waddayaknow, that game was our choice for Weekest of that weak. This year, it again is.
While picking the low-hanging fruit may be the easy thing to do, it’s only a problem when you bite into it; let’s go ahead and do just that.
In year 1 of the Chad Morris era, the SMU Mustangs never coalesced into the tight-knit peloton that would have brought them (a tiny bit of) success in CFB. It’s like when no one’s ridden a horse in so long, it’ll take a while for it to be confident with that jockey who’s just jumped on its back. (I don’t know a single thing about horseback riding and am probably WAY off, but I like the metaphor. Shadap.)
The 2015 Mustangs had two peaks, and you’ll never guess when these occurred… Yes, two points to the lady in the back with the ugly hat, SMU’s twin peaks came in its two wins. In literally every other weak, the Mustangs were poo.
That seems like good news for the Mean Green, except that one SMU peak came that one time they killed North Texas. In 2016, North Texas has a new head coach in Seth Littrell (good guy, played for Mike Leach, coached with him, brings Graham Harrell, yada yada…), but the team is just as bad. Even that one time they won a game against UTSA in 2015, North Texas only played good enough for the 49th percentile—and that ranked as BY FAR its best performance.
Let’s turn to my esteemed editor for more insight into the Mean Green Machine.
Fun fact for UNT they had a bunch of juco guys that were supposed to help but wound up academically ineligible, plus other roster attrition has them roughly back where they were
Let the record show that I don’t care enough about North Texas to find out if that’s all accurate.
You know that thing about turning the frown upside down? Well too often, the Mean Green growl has been a sad face. Against SMU, we may see the crying face before anything resembling a meany growl.