Weakest Of The Week’s Half-Fast Recap: 41 Yards And The Golden Flashes

Good God, that was ugly.

Weak 2, as we had anticipated, gave us a slew of shitty games, making our little heart beam with pride and joy. We did well to group together the Warhawks and our old friends from Moscow, because Idaho and ULM both lost essentially the exact same game.

But if this were a five-course meal of shitty, there was one plat du jour. The Savannah State Tigers, everyone’s favorite whipping boy, made history—of the wrong kind, but history nonetheless—by gaining fewer yards than they allowed points. In the end, the final score was Southern Miss 56 (points), Savannah State 41 (yards); the Tigers gained the fewest yards on offense of any C-USA game, which is basically the Wrangler Jeans brand of CFB conferences.

Not to be outdone, Kent State also played. They lost, against something called North Carolina A&T Aggies, but only barely and in quadruple overtime—because no matter how you dress up a turd, and for how long, a turd stays a turd.

QB1 Nick Mullens, a guy, got like five touchdowns in the game for Brett Favre’s alma mater and the two RBs got over 100 yards rushing each. It shouldn’t count for Ito Smith, because 86 of his 128 yards came on one run but fuck it; go figure out your per-carry average somewhere else, we’re into winning football here… Or something.

NCA&TA got a first win over an FBS team probably because of all the great names they have on the roster: rapper Lamar Raynard, future stand-up duo Denzel Keyes and Elijah Bell, probable Irishman Steven Sawicki, the great names are everywhere on that box score. C’est la vie, comme ils disent en Chine.

img_0478-2Les Flash d’Or de Kent State ont réussi de quoi qui a sûrement donné mal au coeur à Antonio Gates et ses 19 blessures: ils se sont faits battre par trois QB différents des Aggies. Raynard, Kylil “Pas le fils de Quincy” Carter puis même le surveillant de récréation Oluwamefi Bamiro, qui a donné le W à sa team. Même ESPN le comprenait pas.

Puis Savannah State, c’est comme ton petit frère de 4 ans qui veut aller au baseball avec toi. Il a beau tout faire avec le T-ball, il peut jamais l’envoyer plus que 41 verges dans le champ. Les Tigers de Savannah, avec Arshon “Basketball” Spaulding Jr. puis Leon “Mon Ami” Prunty, ils vont jamais faire plus qu’un single.

Aussi c’est la vie, c’est le college football puis donc c’est les Gods du CFB qui nous envoient des petits clins d’oeil. On les appelle des dieux, mais moi je suis sûr qu’ils sont des chefs: ils avaient délayé le start de la game de Kent State de deux heures parce qu’ils savaient que tu vas plus manger si t’as plus faim, même si c’est de la marde que tu manges.

Ils disent que c’est la première fois que NCA&TA bat une équipe de la FBS, mais c’est pas vrai. Kent State compte pas.

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