Weakest Of The Week: Eastern Michigan and Charlotte Play Shot Putting

Oh what a glorious shit show.

As you see every one around you praise weak two for being surprisingly good, like “You know there was Arkansas and TCU, Lamar Jackson did his thing, etc.”, remind them of this etc. Weak two was a turd on paper and, just because said turd was relatively entertaining, doesn’t make it not a turd.

Weak two was like /giphy come to life. (Are you not on Slack?) What’s /giphy? On Slack, you can write /giphy at any point, then follow up with a random word, or set of words, and it’ll add a random GIF only vaguely related to the words you’ve just written. Like such.

/giphy Weakest of the week

bryandive05312013

See? It’s pretty much the greatest thing of all time, making it on par with this weakly column. Awesome.

Anyway, moving on to the football now, weak three promises a few more good match-ups for those who are into those things. Thankfully we also have truly awful games, some that are likely gazillion-point blowouts and others likely to amount to a truly sad match of shot putting.

Runner-Up Game: Florida International Golden Panthers at UMass Minutemen

This may seem weird and random, but what is it with CFB teams and the moniker Golden X? Last week in our recap, we got better acquainted with the Kent State Golden Flashes and, if you recall, these young men showed flashes of anything but gold. We expect more of the same with the Florida International Golden Panthers, a team that ranks 107th in the FBS in scoring defense with 37.5 points allowed per game, and 123rd in scoring offense with 13.5 points scored per game.

That, folks, is not good—even more so considering that the two games FIU has played came against, basically, the two most FIU programs of the P5, Indiana and Maryland.

As for the UMass Minutemen, well, the defense may be a workman-like 68th in CFB with 25 points allowed per game, but it’s not enough to overcome an offense that ranks dead last.

In other words for the Minutemen, the mass may be great but it’s like Missy Elliott taught us: there’s more to it than just girth.

The Weakest Of The Week: Eastern Michigan Eagles at Charlotte 49ers

For this game, let’s check in with our esteemed editor because our maternal instinct is strong and because we haven’t done so in some time.

I’m unsure how you could pick anything but Charlotte/EMU

Alright then, say no more.

So Charlotte versus Eastern Michigan it is, then. It’s silly to look at national rankings after only two weaks of action and try to anticipate what may or may not happen, but fear not. When the 2016 CFB season is all said and done, these Eagles and 49ers will be down there as the two worst CFB programs—and that’s not even a #hottake.

A fitting outcome to this game would be a miserable 0-0 tie (shouts to Frank Beamer) and all of us gauging our eyes out, but because this is CFB (and CFB has awesome OT rules) a team will get a W. Mind you, one of the two teams will get a second W; folks, it’s not just Power Five teams that schedule cupcake opponents. Fat kids like their cake with a ton of frosting just like the rest of us.

In short, these two programs’ misery runs so deep, it’s even affected the respective Twitter game of the two.

Yep, but is there better?

Letting your kids do your dirty work, EMU? Shame on you all.

Oh yes, oh yes that is something. Fuck UNCC and fuck that mascot; only men who can’t grow a beard would have a mascot with such glorious facial hair. 

We’ll give this weak’s week advantage to Charlotte for that one photo of the commitment of a guard that committed to the team that shows up so many times on a routine Twitter search.

33-charlotte-49ers-twitter-search

Because when you’re at Charlotte, an interior lineman is all you can hope for.

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