Weakest Of The Week’s Half-Fast Recap: There Is No Long Con For Charlotte

You know what’s worse than any typical shitty CFB game? A shitty game that was never really close.

This past weak, we had crowned this matchup between the 128th-ranked Eagles and the 125th-ranked 49ers as the very weekest of the weak, but unfortunately what should have been a close game between two equally awful teams turned into a blowout. In the end, the Eastern Michigan Eagles walked away from Charlotte with a 2-1 record while the 49ers suffered their second loss of the season.

Still, boy did the game deliver big time in one regard so let’s set the scene with it.

We’ll get to that one in just a bit, let’s first see how we got there. QB1 and Bob The Builder aficionado Todd Porter did some things for the Eagles, managing a cool 285 yards by the air and two touchdown passes. Eastern Michigan never really ran the ball, because what’s the point against Charlotte? RB1 Breck “Not Beck” Turner got five carries, a bunch of dudes caught passes, Jaylen Pickett got two INTs and returned one for a touchdown. Kicker Paul Fricano nailed his three FGs and four XPs; he may have come too late for his would-be audition for The Sopranos but he was perfect in Charlotte.

Before you knew it, EMU was up 34-6 and this game was donzo.

As for the 49ers? Oh boy, c’était laid. QB1 Kevin Olsen avait l’air d’un gars d’un boy band sur le terrain, avec seulement 123 verges de gain pis deux INTs. Tu lances deux INTs puis tu vas perdre, je me fous de qui tu es; it’s as easy as 1-2-3.

Y’a le président Robert Washington qui a pogné un cool 120 verges au sol avec la course avec une moyenne de six à chaque fois. Mais dans le fond, c’est lui qui a pogné toutes ces verges-là ou est-ce qu’il a eu autant de succès parce que Charlotte perdait par tellement de points que les Eagles laissaient les 49e avoir toutes les verges au sol?

C’est comme on dit: c’est bien beau avoir ton suçon, mais si c’est papa qui te l’a acheté, pourquoi est-ce que tu souris tant que ça?

Évidemment, comme tous les chemins mènent à Rome, il faut bien parler du bonbon que nous ont servi Charlotte. Tiens, le voilà, puis en vidéo en plus!

On sait pas trop comment, ni quand, que c’est arrivé puis on s’en fout parce qu’un tel miracle, c’est intemporel. Mais Charlotte a pogné trois fois des unsportsmanlike pendant le match. Ça, madame, c’est 45 verges gratuites, donc c’est pour ça que EMU ont kick de la 20 des 49e.

Pour être bien franc, Charlotte aurait dû être obligée de laisser EMU réussir le onside kick. Un tel bijou, faut l’immortaliser de la bonne façon.

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