Weakest Of The Week: A Side Dish Of Rice And A Whole Lot Of Mediocrity

We told you guys we were pros, right?

In our preview ahead of weak three, we had christened EMU versus Charlotte as the smelliest of all roses and waddayaknow, that glorious hole of a CFB game turned out to be the actual weekest of the weak. (For those who cry foul that we’re both judge and jury on this, we say cry louder because the wolf can’t hear you.)

There’s no doubt about it: give this dog a pack of Labradors to smell, and he’ll single out the one that hasn’t bathed in the previous month.

As for this weak’s slate of CFB games, what a marvellous clusterfuck it profiles to be.

Really? Put on your goggles on tight, because really.

Where some may see a workman-like, or humble, slate of games, we’re much cruder. And whereas you would have to always use the “small sample size” disclaimer for the first few weaks of a CFB season, this weak it’s different. You see, we’re in weak four already. And in weak four, the small samples are large enough that we know what’s what.

And where we stand, we can smell a turd a mile away. Believe it or not, it involves one we’ve already met.

Runner-Up Game: UTSA Roadrunners At Old Dominion Monarchs

First we stop along the way in that arid desert that is the CFB regular season. As the weaks pass by, we learn to not fall victims to the same oasis or mirage that have befallen quite a many men before us.

But this one? This is no mirage, it’s a goddamn gold mine of butt. In 2016, the UTSA Roadrunners have been a very sad excuse of a CFB team. They can’t stop anyone on defense, can’t move the ball on offense and, well I guess they play good special teams but that’s not a compliment.

In short, these Roadrunners are, yes that’s the easy pun, nothing like the roadrunner from television you grew up with: the only place they’re running toward is a road to misery.

It’s an express lane, but it just so happens that the Old Dominion Monarchs are also stuck on that highway to mediocrity. Sort of like a rich man’s UTSA, which still leaves them quite poor, ODU doesn’t do much well on the football field. You may be a king but if you live in a shit hole, what’s the use. Right?

Well, the use is that still leaves you good enough to capture those roadrunners.

Eat, ole wily coyote; this is no joke and you are not the butt of anything. Feast on that ish, my man.

The Weakest Of The Week: North Texas Mean Green At Rice Owls

Here we are, folks. The very strongest weekest game of the weak. This is CFB at its brightest, pitting the North Texas Mean Green against a team that is somehow even worse than UNT.

In weak 1, we threw all our eggs into the Seth Littrell UNT basket and we weren’t wrong. The JUCO guys still aren’t there, the defense still isn’t good, the offense still couldn’t gain eight yards if you spotted it a 10-yard cushion, and the special teams are doo doo.

Normally, you’d think it were a wonder that such a cast of misfits has managed to get a W on that 2016 record already, but then you see that they had a September date against Bethune-Cookman. This win shouldn’t count, and it’s nothing personal against the Wildcats; I mean, I’m sure they all have nice teeth and alladat.

Yet, there might a grace period for ole MJ this weak, because UNT plays Rice.

In 2016, the Owls’ nickname may be “Side Dish” but make no mistake; this team is anything but the side dish here. Indeed, this team is the whole enchilada, the entire five-meal course of shitty.

Side Dish, here, are like that delicious Buddha bowl you love to eat so much, with rice but also cucumbers, some zesty vinaigrette, carrots, green peppers and grilled pork—only, take out everything but the rice, and that’s what Side Dish is. Just a whole blob of tasteless, dense and fattening rice.

Side Dish would like to have you believe this is what it is.

See? Sure seems like SO MUCH FUN, right? No, you would be wrong. Because – look again – they made a hype video for the game that is nothing but footage of practice. Fittingly bland and tasteless, but still.

Oh right, there’s that too. So it’s a team that was supposed to be kind of good but isn’t really at all, going up against a team whose season highlight is making sexual assault jokes with their marching band formations. Seems pretty damn week to me.

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