Weakest Of The Week: No One Deserves To Win The Battle Of Florida

We’ll get to the football slated to be played in this weak 5 of the 2016 CFB season but first, a quick question: you know why they say not to feed your dogs every time it does the trick you want it to do, right?

Like, say you’re trying to show your Labrador to sit, you’ll give it a treat when it does sit, but you shall not do so every time it does it. Because if you do, then your Lab will only ever sit when you give it a treat—and you wouldn’t be better off.

What the hell does that have to do with this weekest of CFB columns? Well in this scenario, this dog is the Lab’, the CFB Gods are the masters and being right for my choice of the weekest game is my treat.

Oh because holy fuck was this dog right in weak three. We picked, if you recall, EMU vs Charlotte, and then the 49ers went ahead and allowed the Eagles to kickoff from their own 20-yard line.

This is still as hilarious now, but the greater point is that I was so right in weak three. The CFB Dogs had given me my treat. My whole entire face was basically 🙂 🙂 :).

Contrast this with our pick for weak four, an UNT vs Rice matchup that turned into a 42-35 shootout and was disqualified from consideration for featuring entirely too many points to be weekest anything. In weak four, I couldn’t have been more wrong. This Lab’ sat down, but got no treat.

That’s a good life lesson right there. See, don’t listen to your mom who says only dumb jocks play football.

Runner-Up Game: Fresno State Bulldogs at UNLV Rebels

Whomever said that the sun will shine its rays of sunlight everywhere at least once probably was thinking of these UNLV Rebels and Fresno State Bulldogs. Because once we’re long gone and fallen to ashes (woah that got dark real quick!), the records will show that neither Fresno nor UNLV will have gone winless in 2016. That their lone September win will have come against bad FCS teams (i.e. Sacramento State for Fresno, Jackson State for UNLV) will long be forgotten to the history books, and that’s wrong.

Oh, but this dog does not forget. He does not forget, either, that both Fresno and UNLV received quite the payback for these early wins in the form of awful overtime losses in weak four. Where some saw a nice little bit of karmic revenge, this is just our favourite thing ever. Indeed, the Rebels inexplicably lost to CFB’s little brother, the Idaho Vandals, while Fresno really thought a 31-0 lead would hold against Tulsa.

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The Weakest Of The Week: Florida Atlantic Owls at Florida International Golden Panthers

The FAU Owls and FIU Golden Panthers have a combined one win between them, so the 2016 Battle for Florida will probably feel like the football equivalent of voluntarily flushing your head down the toilet.

You say shit, I say compost, you know?

If we look at the numbers, this game is objectively owl-full (i.e. awful, with like a very terrible Southern accent) and makes our face golden from panting (i.e. FIU Golden Panthers?). On one side, we have a team ranked 113th in scoring offense, 118th in scoring defense, 116th in total offense and 119th in total defense. On the other side, FIU is the very worst scoring offense, the 113th scoring defense, the 116th total offense and the 110th total defense.

But these are just numbers and numbers are boring, so here’s a GIF. Welcome to the battle of Florida.

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Oh and something else. The Golden Panthers apparently committed the unforgivable sin of *GASP* firing their head coach on the same day that Jose Fernandez died. (We’ll say two things on this. 1. It is objectively tragic that the Marlins pitcher died at such a young age and our sympathies go out to anyone affected by this; 2. The real tragedy isn’t that FIU fired this some guy on that day but rather that they did so after four weaks of a season; if some guy was bad enough to lose his job now, he was bad enough to lose it in the offseason. 3. And if you’re a media publication and you’re writing this saying FIU are making this about them, well, you are making this about you. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.)

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