That was something, wasn’t it? Weak five came and brought with it, it seemed, a flurry of great games and great endings. At some point at the end of the 3:30 p.m. EST slate of games on the Saturday, it seemed like everything was out of control; and where we stand, there’s no better feeling than total chaos.
Then, of course, Tennessee proved they just might have made a pact with the CFB Gods, this time escaping unscathed from Athens on a truly bonkers ending.
But don’t forget our motto: that a given weakly slate of CFB games is only as strong as its weekest game.
Oh and what a clusterfuck of a weekest game did we have in weak five. Miami (of Ohio cause duh) managed the unthinkable of losing to a QB with 56 passing yards, a feat so improbable we might as well believe in divine interventions. No mere mortals could have managed this, there had to have been outside forces. When that’s the case, all you need to know is resistance is futile. Do like your dog and learn a little something about learned helplessness; there are greater powers at work here, so sit back and relax.
On to the football now, we have quite a nice little selection of week games in weak six to choose from. When in doubt, just wait out the disaster and throw a few things at the wall and see what sticks.
Runner-Up Game: East Carolina Pirates At South Florida Bulls
A flurry of bad stats, a few (un)funny puns, #hottakes, etc. etc., the formula for this would have been pretty easy.
But no—not this week (notice the spelling?) when ECU had to go ahead and fuck with the program.
Some ECU band members, if you recall, did the damn thing and stepped up—err, kneeled down—for what they believe in. They should have been commended, celebrated and empowered because they are right and history will remember as such. If you ask me, I’d be proud today to be associated with ECU if I were.
But if you ask them?
Rather, it seems like quite a large number of people (read: idiots) have decided to “protest the protest,” which is to say to show their ass to the entire world. The tweet you see above details ESPN Fayetteville’s decision to pull down its pants and moon ECU band members as well as the rest of us.
We especially cherish the part where that suit says he’s “proud of our country and…proud of our soldiers”. Ah yes, and what better way to show your pride than to spend your life working for ESPN Fayetteville, amirite? The dude is right that this sends a message. It sends the message that plenty of folks believe themselves to be high and mighty and faultless and that they have a big ole behind they’d very much like to show the entire world, thank you very much.
(In passing, let’s also mention how ridiculous and utterly arbitrary it is that we’ve made it a habit to play national anthems AT SPORTING EVENTS. SURELY we can honour the troops different and better ways than at a freaking *insert sport of your choice* game.)
On top of that, we’ve read online that maybe there’s an ECU professor who has felt threatened and decided she would be carrying her weapon on the university campus. ‘If you can protest, and the university can side by you, then I’ll force ECU to side by my right to open carry because someone stalked me’… or something? Man, that’s some weak logic.
Tit for tat, right? Well this would be akin to you scratching someone’s back, and for said person to walk up and leave, pointing their loaded gun at you while telling you they keep one in the chamber and their finger on the trigger. It’s like, “Wait, are you really trying to help me here or just help yourself?”
Stick to sports? No, you guys stick to idiocy. Congratulations, ECU. You’re the weakest, for entirely non-football reasons.
The Weakest Of The Week: SMU Mustangs At Tulsa Golden Hurricane
Back to our regular scheduled programming now… Let’s turn to our esteemed editor for guidance, as we’re wont to do.
fun mini fact
start with a side by side comparison of the seasons stats for each team’s starting QB
Aight then. For Tulsa, the quarterback Dane Evans has completed a shade under 60% of his passes for 888 yards and 7.53 yards per attempt, and eight touchdowns and six interceptions. In four games, that spells out a dude who acts as a nice little QB1—you know, nothing to write home to your mom about, but you can go places with and such.
On the opposing sidelines, as mere lamb to the slaughter, will be Ben Hicks. The freshman pilots a unit that isn’t really good and he seems to be part of the problem: Hicks has completed 50.6% of his passes for 1,026 yards and 6.33 yards per attempt, and four touchdowns and nine interceptions. In five games.
That, in case you were wondering, works out to a whole lotta bad quarterback play this CFB season for SMU. As the King said, that shit don’t add up. Or rather, it does add up to something; let’s ask Jay Z.
“Hov’, what’s a 205 yard-zero-point-eight-touchdown-and-one-point-eight-interception-per-game average?
-That is laaaaaaaaaaaame!