Try enough times to beat an FBS team, you just might manage to.
Hello again, old friend. How are things?
It’s funny how life works when you’re a dog with a nose as powerful as ours. You spend the first month of any given CFB season going around the park and, so to speak, introducing yourself to your canine companions and keeping track of who has the smelliest of buttocks.
And after a month, you certainly feel like you’ve got a handle on the hierarchy of CFB, so you go on and proclaim silly things like what a great dog you are at finding a weak’s weekest game. It’s always so fun when your esteemed editor pets you for a job well done but, you know, it’s still really great when you scratch your own back too.
But then you say something dumb like how Tulsa vs SMU really is the most awful rose and then look like a fool when this game turns out to be a homeless dog’s classic: plenty of points and back and fort, perfect for a game of fetch.
You know what they say, right? What makes dogs great (reason 124,836) is how they live fully in the present and instantly forget about things. “How could I have thought of this… Oh! Hey look, another slate of CFB games! :)”
This dog is back with another guaranteed winner for the weekest of the weak because only a silly dog could possibly try again, and I am that silly dog, and regrets are for jokers, and all that good stuff. For weak seven, we crown a matchup between two teams that are winless against their FBS peers—in this, week 7! DOG!
Runner-Up Game: Georgia Southern Eagles At Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
Welcome to the one true Battle for Georgia between the state’s two fiercest (rushing) teams.
In 2016, the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets are like a diminished version of what they’ve always been, which is to say a soporific team that rushes to set up—not the pass, but even more rushes, and a team that is led by perhaps an actual bear in Paul Johnson. (Not a bear in the sense of Bear Bryant, just a live, real bear that cleans up kinda nice for game day.)
The Georgia Southern Eagles, meanwhile, may have the namesake of the feathered predator that is the symbol of this fair country, but they do all their damage on the ground. They’re so helpless in passing the ball that their dual-threat QBs end up wrecking shit up in the NFL… as running backs (hi, Jerick McKinnon).
Some’ll point out that Georgia Southern is actually a better rushing offense, a better passing offense and a generally better scoring offense than Georgia Tech. Others will counter that only one team plays in a real conference. I’ll be here enjoying a nice little nap during this game.
The Weakest Of The Week: Florida Atlantic Owls At Marshall Thundering Herd
Once again, let’s turn to our esteemed editor for guidance on where to take this bad boy out for a walk.
I vote Marshall: Combined 0-9 vs FBS, them and fau
Yep, that’s the good stuff. While some dogs have bothered with actually pretending to be good and trying to fool their fans into seeing dirt and thinking it’s gold, FAU and Marshall, you see, don’t care much for pretending.
It’s like they both walked in at the dog’s park, smelled an asshole or two in the crowd each, then just said fuck it and took a shit in the middle and sat down. That’s what a combined 0-9 record against FBS teams feels and smells like: shitty.
The little guys aren’t even playing in an especially tough conference in Conference USA. And of course, neither of the teams is winless this season, because they’ve each scheduled some cupcakes. They’ve both won a game, their fans will say. We’ll counter that, sure, but FAU lost to goddamn Charlotte, a team which if you recall “forced” its opponent to kick off from its 20-yard line.
Your hype video for this game is also full of practice footage—unless that’s game footage with awfully little crowd in the stands because people would rather do anything than watch their Owls. Either way, it sucks.
You’re also really, really looking forward to basketball season, which… LOSER!
I see you over there, Marshall, and don’t laugh so hard. You may be favoured to win, but the Herd hasn’t been close to Thundering so far this season.
Though you’re half redeemed because to these untrained ears, “Thundering Herd” sounds really a lot like “Crumblin’ Erb” and OutKast are life.