Like you, I’ve had enough of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh. More than enough! Thanks for the scoop, media hoards. I get it. Jim Harbaugh is wacky. He drinks milk. Oh my God, he wears kaki pants. I don’t need another Harbaugh bulletin. Why? Because we have plenty of fascinating and funky head football coaches right here in the ol’ Group of Funny.
Sure, our “coaches with character” receive an atomized fraction of coverage Power Five personalities enjoy – just like the games! But our clown car is just as wacky, y’all. And because it’s May, and actual football content is months away, I give you ten of the Forgotten’s most fascinating and funkiest head coaches, ranked:
10. Major Applewhite, Houston
Dude gets in on that funky-ass name alone, right? The Major arrives to Houston this season to take over for noted smooch-bandit Tom Herman, who is quite the character himself. But Applewhite is his own man when it comes to wack. For example, the Major recently punted a player off the gridiron for failing to make eye contact.
9. Scott Frost, UCF
In addition to looking like an amalgamation of every evil henchman in every Bruce Willis action movie, Frost can be quite cold. Some of his sick burns still sting after 20 years! But he can be chill, too, like when he called Orlando “the best college town in the state” or claimed his team “out-hit” Michigan after a 51-14 thumping without bursting into hell-flame. Damn, that’s rich! Eat it, Har-Har-Harbaugh! Hey, you don’t pay a guy $2M to be a pickle bump. No funny, no money.
8. Skip Holtz, Louisiana Tech
Skip bears the blue-blooded pedigree of the ultimate college football oddball, Lou Holtz. Folksy humor sometimes skips a generation, but not in Skip’s case. Here are some gems courtesy of The Daily Stampede:
On realignment: “I’ve said this before, if you ever want a question answered, go to the organ grinder, don’t go to the monkey. I’m just a monkey on the end of the chain, dancing on the sidewalk.”
On being the next Lou Holtz: “I’d look like Bozo the Clown walking around with shoes that big.”
On the team’s injury status: “They’ll be healthy as commercials for a dairy product come next week.”
“I get so excited when I talk about B.J. I can’t stand it.” He was talking about B.J. Daniels, we hope.
Skip, you so crazy!
7. Bob Davie, New Mexico
Ever seen a head football coach rise from the grave? “Zany Davie” burned out of Notre Dame only to be reborn a “Loco Lobo” more than a decade later, leading New Mexico to its first 9-win season since 1997. Davie’s colorful personality served him well on his ten-year hiatus as an analyst and commentator for ESPN. Like some kind of college football Dementor, Davie used his behind-the-scenes access to suck the knowledge from fellow analysts and coaches. When he was finally ready to return to the sidelines, Davie accepted the gig at New Mexico and brought with him a tricky triple option so mind-bending it turned the Lobos program completely around.
6. Ken Niumatalolo, Navy
You know what’s hilarious? The triple option! You know what else is hilarious? Winning the American West twice, thumping Notre Dame, orchestrating nine winning seasons and still coaching Navy! The Coach With The Funky Name has coached the Midshipmen for ten years, leading his team “the way the Savior leads.”
5. Butch Davis, FIU
You know what’s goofy about college football? TOO MANY BUTCHES!
LOL! Butch Jones coaches the Volunteers, you guys! Butch Davis was the guy who coached Miami and North Carolina, but now he’s teaching student-athletes at sunny Florida International. Davis bears the honorable distinction of being the last man to coach the Cleveland Browns to the NFL Playoffs, and he’s probably the only college football head coach to ever attempt to motivate his team by quoting The Edge:
“In the movie The Edge, one of the classic lines Anthony Hopkins says in there — they’re being chased by a grizzly bear in the wilderness, and the bear had killed some people — he said, ‘If one man can, so can another.’ If one school can, why not us? That’s what I told the players.”
That’s good stuff!
4. Charlie Strong, South Florida
The hidden benefit of having a name that is also a positive attribute is that people will automatically assume the name fits the man:
Ha, ha, America! I get it. Charlie Strong is strong. He’s also ripping phone books and breaking steel bands with his biceps for South Florida these days, but not before laying down this strong-ass quote:
“I baked the cake at Texas. Now it’s Tom Herman’s job to put icing on the cake & win a lot of games.”
HOOOO! Damn, that’s strong stuff from Coach Strong!
3. Mark Hudspeth, Louisiana
Speaking of strong, no college football head coach is more shredded than the Cajuns’ Mark Hudspeth. Look at this
man specimen! He’s a titan!
With his trademarked “schemdium” shirts and Hulk Hogan pythons, “Stud Hud” cuts an imposing figure on the sideline. It’s reasonable to conclude that he and the Cajuns won four consecutive New Orlean’s Bowl appearances through pure, unadulterated machismo!
2. Lane Kiffin, FAU
Is Lane Kiffin actually Forgotten’s Most Fascinating & Funky Head Coach? A wealth of evidence supports Kiffin’s claim. When he isn’t handing out scholarship offers to 7th graders, Coach K is starring in (purposely?) awful FAU hype videos and launching his own online philosophy course:
Calculated tomfoolery or complete nervous breakdown? YOU NEVER KNOW WITH LANE KIFFIN!
1. Joe Moglia, Coastal Carolina
Who is Joe Moglia? Nobody really knows. Not for real! Because Joe is, like, a half dozen guys. He’s the author of a get-rich book cleverly titled Coach Yourself to Success (just $16.19 on Amazon). He’s served as CEO for TD Ameritrade and spent 17 years at Merrill Lynch making bank. Later, he got bored and joined Bo Pelini at Nebraska as a volunteer coach. Before accepting the gig with the Chanticleers, Mogs coached the Omaha Nighthawks for a season in the United Football League. Who the hell is this guy? Just look at these diverse quotes attributed to him:
“Last month we announced the largest reorganization in our company’s history. This acquisition reflects our aggressive focus on growth and profitability.”
“You might be surprised at this, I’m not a big football fan. I don’t care who’s playing quarterback where, I don’t go home and watch football, I do enough football…..I’m not a ‘fan’ of the game per se.”
“My story is 10 times better than the Rudy story. Rudy’s a tough kid in the city, Chicago kid that wanted to go to Notre Dame. That’s it.”