Group of 5 Power Rankings in a GIFfy
Sorry people, I’m back. I know, I know…why? Honestly, it is because no one read this the first time so I figure I might as well continue my quest for creating a series of articles with no value. The truth hurts, I know you needed something more exciting.
If you missed last weeks explanation (HAHAHA, of course, you did), I spend my free time coming up with a GIF and terrible write-up for my personal enjoyment. Remember, I purposely ranked your school lower than that other school because I wanted to hurt your feelings. So, send the hate. I took a DNA test and it turns out i’m 100% that dude.
Last week the only matchup between ranked schools was a 14-7 victory by the second-ranked smurfs over the thirteenth ranked stampeding bison. The Herd could have had a big win, but they were non-committal.
This week Marshall takes on Ohio in the Battle for the Bell. It’s no Civil Conflict, but I mean who would wanna hide this? Ohio has taken four of the past five, but the Herd looks to get back on track. Another slip up and a particular group of multi-colored fighters who own the Pac-1012 will be glad to take their prestigious ranking.
Tier 1 (I have never seen your type of species)
1. AP #17 UCF (2-0) AAC Streak: W2 Prev: 1 (–)
Last Week: Defeated FAU 48-14
This Week: vs. Stanford
Wash, Rinse, Repeat. The Kiffin train continued derailment as it ran into a Knights team that does the same thing they do nearly every Saturday…crush dreams. A message to the bosses, these misfits’ new outfit is on the bloglist. If you are still ignoring the Milton-less Knights, you better pay attention A$AP. A visit from the original #intellectualbrutality should bring a challenge to Orlando this week.
2. AP #22 Boise St (2-0) MWC Streak: W2 Prev: 2 (–)
Last Week: Defeated #13 Marshall 14-7
This Week: vs. Portland St
The Smurfs held the no-so-Thundering Herd to ZERO (?!) yards of offense in the second half. Took the defense a half to find their tempo, but they have to put the points on the board if they are going to cut the DJ Mustard. A 14-7 squeaker when you outgain the opposition 437-172 is not enough to move up. Hammerin Hank continued to slang it, but they need to practice crossing the goal line to keep it up. The Vikings visiting the mushroom-house village hidden in the forest should be just the remedy.
3. Appalachian St (2-0) SBC Streak W2 Prev: 4 (+1)
Last Week: Defeated Charlotte 56-41
This Week: BYE
Whhheeewww.. If not for a Benny Lemay-less two minute meltdown at the end of the first half from the 49ers, the boys from Boone might be looking up from the “Teams to Watch” section. The defense had a bankroll so low; they had nothing else to withdraw. Thankfully Darrynton Evans put the entire team on his back with 234 yds rushing, 3 rushing TDs, and a 45 yd Kickoff return for a TD. The Junior put up more yards and scores in the game than he did his entire Freshman year. Hopefully, during the bye they can figure out the defense before they visit UNC-CH.
4. Memphis (2-0) AAC Streak W2 Prev: 5 (+1)
Last Week: Defeated Southern 55-24
This Week: @ South Alabama
The Tigers continue their Sherman-esque tour of the south as they have moved taken out Mississippi, Louisiana, and aim next for Alabama. The Tigers can do a hair toss, check their nails, and realize they are feeling good as hell. Brady White did his best (Not NFL) imitation of Paxton Lynch. Looking ahead, Mike Norvell and dem boys head to Mobile to take on the spotted kitties who gave Nebraska all they could shuck in Week 1.
5. Utah St (1-1) MWC Streak W1 Prev: 12 (+7)
Last Week: Defeated Stony Brook 62-7
This Week: BYE
I’M SORRY. I didn’t know the Evil Clerics of Winston Salem were that good. The Aggies moved up less because they filled the rocky stream with touchdowns and more because I underestimated how well they played in their week one squeaker. They had their way out there this past week, you know that’s facts. However, after a team this meek and then a bye week, the boys in blue will look ahead to a rising Aztecs squad.
(Tier 2) You ain’t no average team…
6. Army (1-1) IND Streak (L1) Prev: 6 (–)
Last Week: Lost to Michigan 24-21 (2OT)
This Week: @ UTSA
Another year, another P5 school Army took to the ropes and then gave the game to in OT. Army stuffed Josh Gattis and the Michigan offense in short-yardage situations every time proving that when the void is filled, you stand up to anything. The men of West Point had a shot at the end of regulation, but again let it slip away. A trip to the Riverwalk will allow Army to regroup with a new plan, as it is a new day.
7. Troy (1-0) SBC Streak (W1) Prev: 8 (+1)
Last Week: BYE
This Week: Southern Miss
Nothing to see here, the not-USC Trojans had the week off before they host Usain Bolt Jaylond Adams and the Golden Eagles. Hopefully Troy will kick away from Adams, otherwise, they might look like Chance when they are screamin “There he go!”
8. Cincinnati (1-1) AAC Streak (L1) Prev: 3 (-5)
Last Week: Lost to Ohio State 42-0
This Week: vs. Miami (OH)
I mean that didn’t go well. Ouch. Cincinnati got steamrolled off the field by Fields. The Barely-cats looked like they had a million-trillion things they’d rather do than try and score. Cincinnati looks to rebound by trying to regroup in a second straight battle for territory in Ohio as they head to Oxford to take on the Miami that uses parenthesis on the score scroll.
9. Ohio (1-1) MAC Streak (L1) Prev: 7 (-2)
Last Week: Lost to Pitt 20-10
This Week: @ #15 Marshall
The fighting Larry Fitzgeralds put a hurting on Ohio that was worse than the close score makes it look. The defense picked it up in the second half to hold Pitt to a field goal, but the Robertcats couldn’t kick it with Pickett as he threw for 321yds and a TD. Up next is the G5 game of the week as Ohio heads to Marshall to try and hold on to the Bell.
10. Tulane (1-1) AAC Streak (L1) Prev: 9 (-1)
Last Week: Lost to Auburn 24-6
This Week: vs. Missouri St
Leading through a quarter and within one possession at the half against a good team is nothing for Wave fans to be sad about. Tulane held Nix in check for most of the game as the defense again played well. Like a sprained ankle, boy they ain’t nothing to mess with. Next up is a game against a (Definitely not 1985) Bears defense that gave up 37 to Northern Arizona to soothe the pain.
Tier 3 (Every moment spent with you, I bet was always eventful)
11. BYU (1-1) IND Streak (W1) Prev: 14 (+3)
Last Week: Defeated Tennessee 29-26 (2OT)
This Week: vs. USC
The fighting Joe Smith’s had their city doing front flips when they pulled off quite the comeback to defeat the mighty Volunteers. A win is a win is a win, but…….2 OTs versus this Tennessee is nothing to hang your hat on. Ty’son Williams had to be thinking he had angles all around him, keeping him surrounded. Up next is a game against the USC (not South Carolina) Trojans (Not Troy) where the Cougs will need a win to keep up as the schedule will start to lighten up soon.
12. Fresno St (2-0) MWC Streak (L1) Prev: 10 (-2)
Last Week: Lost to Minnesota 38-35
This Week: BYE
TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. TWO FREAKIN WEEKS IN A ROW. Once again Fresno St had a P5 bully on the ropes and let them off the hook. Teddy’s boys are so close to 2-0, yet here we are. Gotta think Jeff Tedford is telling the boys “We gon’ be alright.” The bye week could not come at a better time for the Bulldogs as they can lick their wounds and get prepared for two straight gimme games.
13. Wyoming (2-0) MWC Streak (W2) Prev: 11 (-2)
Last Week: Defeated Texas St 23-14
This Week: vs Idaho
“How can we win again and then move down two spots??” “Who are you to do that???” “No one man should have all that power!!” Easy, go down 14-3 to Texas St and squeak out a nine-point win. You want to move up after a win against Texas State? You gotta do it better than anybody you ever seen do it. Can the Cowboys turn it up and beat down a team they should easily beat? Next up is a visit from the Vandals, the clock’s tickin’, I just count the hours…
14. Marshall (1-1) W1 CUSA Streak (L1) Prev: 13 (-1)
Last Week: Lost @ #2 Boise St
This Week: vs. #7 Ohio
Marshall got caught watching the throne in the second half. Definitely need to stick to a zone next time. The Herd secondary was picked apart by Boise State on Saturday, but the boys bent and didn’t break. A one-score game while visiting the Blue Man Group is nothing to be down about. The Herd is going to have to ball so hard to bring back the Bell in the game of the week against #7 Ohio.
15. Houston (1-1) AAC Streak (W1) Prev: 15 (–)
Last Week: Defeated PVAM 37-17
This Week: vs Washington St
Juuuuust made the cut. After the opener with the Sooners and SuperHurts, the Cougars knew dark days and knew hard times. However what they did to the panthers is just showin’ off, but it’s alright. Houston will face Wazzou in the battle of the middle-aged single mothers. Houston will have to hit them like they hit the club, hit them ables…Otherwise, it’s a short life on this Power Rankings list.
Teams to Watch (Youuuu, you got so much potential)
Air Force, Georgia St, Hawaii, SDSU, SMU, Temple, UAB
Gross (Give me heebie-jeebies)
Akron, New Mexico, UCONN, UMASS, CUSA